If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so
many books on how to?
--Bette Midler
GETTING
STARTED
I have some real definite ideas about how to find a partner. I gave the issue
a lot of serious thought when I was looking. I went about finding a partner
as if it were a job search. In June of 1998, I set myself a goal that by
June of 2003 I'd be married to the fellow with whom I wanted to spend the
rest of my life. Al and I got married in March of 2001. Certainly some of
that was luck - there's a certain amount of serendipity involved in any hooking
up - but it's the kind of luck that only happens to people who are open to
it and put themselves in its path.
Here's what I figured out.
1. Make your partner search a priority. This is pretty much the opposite
of the most common piece of partner-search advice - "If you want to find
someone, stop looking". I've always thought that was really crappy advice,
but I think the real message is "Try not to look desperate". Actively looking is
not the equivalent of desperate. Don't be afraid to dedicate some time and energy to working
on this project. Don't be afraid to network - to let people know you're looking
and are open to introductions. You need to be willing, open, available, and
picky.
2. Figure out what you need and what you want. I'm not talking
"height/weight proportionate with a good sense of humor" kind of crap. I
mean stuff like how much of their time do you want and how much time do you
have to give them? How far away is too far? What kind of relationship are
you looking for? You've got to be a lot pickier if you're looking for a life
partner than if you're looking for a play partner. Know where you can compromise
(your wants) and where you can't (your needs).
3. Use every available means to hook up with potential partners.
Personal ads, munches, online socializing, classes, what have you. Be prepared
to move out of your comfort zone. Find out where the sort of folks you're
looking for are, and you be there, too. If there isn't a munch where you are,
you can always start one. Munches aren't meat markets, but you may meet someone
who knows someone... Drop me a line and I'll tell you how to start a munch. It
boils down to picking a place and getting the word out. If there's absolutely
nothing and no one where you are, or within a reasonable driving distance,
consider relocating. Seriously.
4. Don't waste time (yours or theirs) coupling up with folks who don't
meet your criteria. Even if they're really cool and you really like them
and it took so long to find them and they're almost perfect except for that
one thing, if it's something neither of you can compromise on, there's really
no point going any further. That's why it's very important to do a good job
on step 2.
So let's talk a little more about step 2...
How Criteria Work.
I think that when doing a partner search, an awful lot of folks put an awful
lot of emphasis on things that are not terribly likely to make a big difference
to them in the long run. Kinky folks in particular seem to give a bit too
much weight to compatible kinks and sexual compatibility. If you're looking for a casual play
relationship, that may be enough to know. If you're looking for something
more long term, you're going to have to be more thorough and specific.
Well thought out criteria help you focus your partner search on people who
are most likely to be a good match for you. Sorting through your criteria
and putting them all together to look at them as a whole can help you figure
out where there may be conflicts and help you decide where you may want to
compromise. Each individual must-have thing you come up with will limit the
field of prospective partners. Some of this is good - you want to
focus on the people most likely to be a good match. Too many must-have
criteria or putting the wrong things in the must-have list may make your search
impossible. The better you are at determining what these
must-have things are and are not, the better your chances are of finding
someone who will be a good match for you.
It's soul searching time, folks.
Imagine The Life You Want To Live
Imagine you're five years
down the road with your perfect partner... What is your life like? Are you
married with a couple of offspring, living in a little cottage in the burbs?
Are you cohabitating in a condo downtown, wining and dining and
hitting the clubs? Are you living in a small apartment, working long hours,
furiously hoarding every dime so that you can retire early? Are you living
in a house in the country in a poly relationship with 4 other people?
If you have no idea what sort of life you would like to live, it's time to
start thinking about it. Do it the easy way - rather than nailing down what
you want (because it's likely that there are several possible futures that
would work for you) figure out what you're sure you don't want. That's a
pretty important thing to know. As you're looking at the questions
below, think about how they fit in to the life you imagine for yourself.
Now, some of you will look at the suggestions of stuff to think about below
and say "How can I possibly know any of this stuff about my future partner
when I haven't even met them yet?" I would ask how one can possibly find
the right partner if one hasn't thought about this stuff. The idea isn't
to build a mold of the perfect partner and find someone who fits inside it,
it's to know what you're looking for so you'll recognize it when you see
it. And also to recognize when that person you're with is not what you're
looking for.
For any of these things, your answer may be "I don't care. I'll figure that
out with my partner." Kewl beens - that means you have one less limit on
your partner pool. Beware of making that pool too limitless. To misquote
a line from Fiddler On The Roof - A bird and a fish may fall in love, but
where will they build a home? It is absolutely possible to fall deeply in
love with someone we cannot possibly live with. It sucks when that happens,
and we usually hang on a lot longer than we should and end up a lot more
miserable than we would have been had we recognized that there was a fundamental
mismatch and moved on.
So here are some things to think about:
Marriage If you can get married, do you want to? Want to cohabitate?
Want to keep separate homes? Do you care if your prospective partner is married?
Does it make a difference if it's okay with their spouse that they're involved
with you? Is it okay if their spouse is involved with you, too? Is it okay
if their spouse doesn't know?
Kids Want some? Got some? Want more? Want someone else's? Maybe you
don't want them, but it's okay if theirs are grown. Maybe you don't mind
them on a part-time basis. Maybe you want to have seven and name them after
the Disney dwarfs.
Monogamy/Polyamory Do you want to keep your sweetie all to
yourself where sex, play, and/or relationships are concerned, or do you like to
share? If you share, is it only certain things? Only certain people?
Only with permission? Can you veto your partner's partner choices?
Can your partner veto yours?
Face Time How much of my partner's time do I need? Must we work the
same schedule so we have lots of free time to spend together, or would I
rather have more time on my own? What about someone who lives far away or
travels a lot? Can I sustain a relationship without much face time?
Lifestyle I'm not talking just kinks here. Are you a laid-back
quiet-time-at-home type? A party-animal night-life type? A play behind closed
doors type, or the type who likes to play at parties? How out are you? How
out do you need your partner to be? How do you like to spend your free time?
What's your tolerance for pursuing your interests without your partner, or
them pursuing theirs without you?
Money and Career Do you want to put in the hours and sock away the
cash and retire at 50? Do you want to support a stay-at-home partner? Do
you want to be the supported stay-at-home partner? Are you a saver or a spender?
Is it okay if their career is their first priority? Is your career your first
priority?
Kinks What do you like? What do you need? What won't you do? How
compatible do you need your partner to be? Would you be okay with you or
your partner getting some of your needs met elsewhere? Are there things that
you want reserved just for you? Do you want a d/s-y or master/slave kind
of thing? What would that look like to you?
And last but not least...
Don't assume anything. If there's anything that's important to you, get
it right out there on the table. If you want to have a slave, make sure that
you and your intended both agree on what that entails. If you expect monogamy,
make sure that's what they expect, too. There is no default as there is in
vanilla life. Anything is possible.
One morning there was a notice in my email that someone
had responded to my personal ad. I went to take a look. It was pretty pathetic.
I make it a point to send some kind of answer to everyone who takes the time
to respond to my ad, but sometimes I really wonder why I bother. The following
are responses I have gotten to my personal ad.
"i meet all requirements can i join youre family"
"let me serve you mistress"
"I'm interested."
That's it. Just one line. I've gotten a lot of responses like this. No shit.
It's kind of amazing, really, in a lame and sad sort of way, that these folks
thought that this was sufficient to pique my interest.
I believe in personal ads. I met my hubby - who is all that and a bag of
chips and a soda - through an ad on
alt.com. Before meeting him,
I met several really nice fellows through that ad. Personals are an excellent
way to find potential partners. There are a number of great articles out
there that can tell you how to write a personal ad.
DateNet has
an annoying pop-up, but the tips are really good. The personals sites usually
have some helpful hints.
Thing is, you can write the best personal ad in the universe and still come
up empty. If you're serious about finding someone with your personal ad,
you'll greatly increase your chances if you go out looking for folks who
interest you and respond to their ads. There are things that you can do to
make that as effective as possible. Here are some tips for responding to
ads.
Don't Carpet-Bomb - While sending the same response to numerous ads
may seem like a clever way to get to as many people as possible, it is in
fact a great way to be universally ignored. Folks can tell, and they're not
favorably impressed.
Read The Ad Before Responding - Seems to me that this would be a
no-brainer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If I say that I'm only
interested in meeting subly guys over 40 years old within a 50 mile radius
and you're a 26 year old domly guy who lives 600 miles away, why waste my
time and yours? Concentrate your energy on ads where you meet the criteria,
or at least most of the criteria.
Tell Them Why You're Responding - What about their ad prompted you
to respond? What about them do you find interesting? Showing interest in
them is the best way to get them interested in you. What is there about you
that they might find interesting? Give them a reason to answer you.
Be Honest - Don't make up crap to try to get their attention. If you
really want to meet this person, making stuff up is a BAD IDEA. They will
find out that you've misrepresented yourself, and they will not appreciate
it.
Spelling and Punctuation Matter - Yes, they do. All
that person knows of you is words on a page. Sloppy writing makes a poor
first impression.
These next few things represent my personal peeves when it comes to responses
I've gotten to my ad. There may be folks out there who don't find these things
as off putting as I do, but I suspect that they are the exceptions.
Forget About Kinky Posturing - Don't call them Master, Mistress, slave,
etc., unless you're sure that's the way they prefer to be addressed. You
aren't their dom or sub yet, so don't presume a relationship that does not
as yet exist.
Forget About Your Fantasies - At least for the time being. The folks
you're responding to are not a life support system for a whip. They are not
out there looking to fulfill your fantasies. Chances are, they've got fantasies
of their own that differ from yours. They're unlikely to be interested in
having you tell them what they can do for you.
Everyone Has Limits - When I read "I'll do anything" in a response
to my ad, I know that this person hasn't considered what "anything" might
entail. There are certainly folks out there who have very few limits, but
there is no one out there who has no limits at all.
If you have any tips or personal peeves you'd like to share,
let me know. If I like them, I'll
add them to the list.
HOW TO BREAK
UP
It's a fact - most romantic/intimate relationships we have in our lives are
going to break up. There are very few of us who find The One right out of
the chute - most of us have to deal with breaking up more than a time or
two. Breaking up does not mean you failed. It means you recognized that this
isn't the right person for you. Knowing how to break up well is as important
as any other relationship skill. Breaking up well sets us and those we're
breaking up with up to move on with a positive attitude. It takes more time
to recover from a bad break up, and to get past the discouragement that naturally
follows so that you can get on with your search. There's no reason that breakups
have to be ugly.
Don't Procrastinate
This is a biggie. As soon as you know that they don't meet your must-have
criteria, start working on your exit strategy. Have it prepared before you
go on that first date. I know that sounds pessimistic, but if you're an active
dater as I was, most of your first dates aren't going to lead to second ones,
so having a graceful out is a good thing.
It can be very tempting to hang on to a relationship that's fun but that
we know in our hearts isn't going to do it for us. Putting it off makes it
more difficult to leave and there's a greater chance of unpleasantness. It's
not fair to our partner, either. They deserve to know what's up so that
they can get on with their search.
Good sex/play makes it tougher to let go, particularly if that's something
one hasn't had in a while. I know I've gone voluntarily blind to major
disconnects in relationships because the sex/play was fantastic. Now, there's
nothing wrong with sex for its own sake, but it makes it tempting to stay
in a relationship that really isn't going anywhere. We're not going to find
Mr/s. Right while we're spending all our time with Mr/s.
Not-Right-But-Fucks-Like-A-Mink. It's also only fair to them to let them
know that this isn't the relationship you're looking for. Bonking someone
when you know the relationship is going nowhere and they don't isn't ethical.
Choose An Appropriate Exit Strategy
You're often going to find that the person you're cutting loose isn't any
more interested in you than you are in them. Even if they were seeing
possibilities you weren't, most people accept a kind rejection gracefully.
A good exit strategy makes it easier to stay on good terms. Who knows - they
may have a friend who is looking for someone just like you. It has happened.
You owe more by way of explanation and de-briefing time to someone you've
been seeing for a while and/or are intimate with than you do to someone with
whom you've had one date. No matter which it may be, DISAPPEARING IS NOT
ACCEPTABLE! Don't drop out of sight. It's often the easy thing to do,
particularly with internet-generated blind dates, but it is cruel and cowardly.
Be kind.
If you know by the end of the first date that this person isn't what you're
looking for, do your break up right away. Don't say you're going to call
them if you won't, don't agree to do it again in the future if you're really
not interested in doing so. You really don't owe them any more than "Thanks,
I had a nice time." If they ask for an encore, decline politely.
If it's not possible to break it off right away, assuming things didn't get
intimate, breaking things off over the phone is perfectly acceptable. If
your primary method of contact is email, that can be okay, but the phone
is really better. Don't leave a breakup message in voice mail, though. If
you get voice mail, call back later. Tell them that you had a nice time but
you don't think you're what they're looking for. This is a line that allows
them to save face.
If you've been intimate with them, or have had a number of dates, maybe
introduced each other to friends, that kind of thing, you owe that person
more of an explanation, and it ought to be face to face. Over the phone is
acceptable if it's a long distance thing. You don't wanna make someone travel
to see you so that you can dump them. Don't beat around the bush. Tell them
that you like them, enjoy their company, whatever, but that you don't see
the relationship going any further. Point to something specific that's about
you, not about them. Maybe you thought you could do a long distance relationship
but find that you need more face time. Maybe you thought that you could be
okay with a poly relationship but find that you can't. Give them one thing.
Don't go on and on with all the ways they're not right for you. If they want
more information, they'll ask. If they ask you if it's something about them,
don't go there unless to do so might be helpful to them. If you don't think
they'll benefit from the criticism, stick with the "It's not about you, it's
about me" line. It may be trite, but it is kind.
Practice
I'm serious. Try out the words until they feel comfortable. Think about how
they might respond and how you might react to that. Figure out how to be
kind without giving them false hopes.
What If They React Badly?
Let them. Say "You're right" and "I'm Sorry" as often as necessary. They
are right, after all, from their perspective, and you are sorry that they're
taking this so badly. Stay calm, do not argue with them, and do not defend
yourself. You're not trying to win here, you're getting out of the game.
They can't fight with you if you don't fight back.
You do not have to take abuse. If you think they're the type who might get
nasty, make sure you've got an out. Talk to them on the phone rather than
going to see them in person. If they start swearing or getting nasty, tell
them you don't have to listen to that and leave (or hang up or sign off or
whatever).
If they react really badly - I mean stalking or harassment badly - report
them to the authorities.
What If They Won't Go Away?
Al wouldn't go away, so I married him.
Seriously, though... Sometimes they just don't want to take no for an answer.
You may have to be blunt. If they aren't getting subtle hints, be less subtle.
Tell them that you're not interested. Tell them why if they ask, and if you
want to. If they're pests, it's perfectly acceptable to tell them to stop
bothering you and just ignore their calls or emails. If they become obnoxious,
report them to their ISP or their phone company. If they become threatening
(very rare, but it does happen) report them to law enforcement.
What If I'm The One Being Cut Loose?
It happens. Try to be philosophical about it. Out of a million people, there
may be one who is a good match for you. You're bound to have a few near misses.
It's only a failure if you fail to learn something from it. What worked for
you in that relationship? What didn't? What characteristics might you want
to look for or avoid in your next partner?
Remember that it's not a failure when a relationship doesn't work out or
when you don't connect with a date, or they don't feel a connection with
you. It's a chance to refine your search criteria, to narrow your search
to those most likely to be compatible.
When someone breaks up with you, do you find yourself in a
"they're all the same and they all suck" frame of mind? Stop doing this to
yourself. If you can't stop doing it to yourself, make sure you don't
inflict it on anyone else. Don't date again until you're over it.